Who will love me with my turned eye?
Written on September 2, 2006 – | by Lois (admin)
[See photo credit at end of article]
If you’ve wondered what it is like to have a turned eye, read this passionate letter by a strabismus sufferer named Anthony. Anthony shared this in a strabismus group recently, and gave me permission to share it here.
Once you’ve read Anthony’s letter, determine to go back to work or school, and befriend that person with a turned eye for who they are. You can be the answer for someone to that poignant question that anthony asks below: “Who will love the boy and the man with the turned eye that I have to carry around inside of me?”
Here is Anthony’s touching letter, with minor editorial changes to protect his identity:
Hi there. Thanks for being here.
I am having an emotional night. I’m experiencing a lot of self-loathing and shame about “the ugliness,” of my eyes tonite.
Shame about my eyes is always there with me to a lesser or greater degree, but tonite I’m obsessing about it.
I sent an email to a Children’s Hospital requesting a consultation. They specialize in Adult Strabismus Surgery.
I have no money, no insurance. Like so many people with strabismus, I have not been able to hold down a job for long in my life. I’m in my 30’s but I have not much in the way of material success to show.
For a long time I have resisted surgery and just tried to be “who I really am.” And the total instability of my life has not really made surgery an option for me.
My confusion during daily activities is increasing. My two eyes feel like oil and vinegar that will not mix. Even when I close my eyes, my point of attention just never settles down. It’s like a mixing pot behind my eyes and I want it to STOP!!!! I just want to rest. What would it be like to peacefully rest my eyes on anything? One thing?
Anthony continues,
It’s becoming harder and harder to concentrate the older I get.
It’s cyclical, but sometimes I have accute social anxiety. I avoid eye contact with everybody! There’s just a lot of rejection for me when I show my eyes.It’s like piece of me is gone. Severed “life of the eyes.” And I don’t know any other way, but I feel some kind of loss…some kind of “wrong,” about my eyes, enough to make me cry again about it tonite.
I am tormented by self-consciousness about my eyes. I get incredible anxiety when first meeting somebody and they look over their shoulder (a la ‘Is he looking at me?)
“He would be a great looking guy except for his eyes.”
I have hated these people for so long. Part of me feels like there is nothing wrong with me and I’m buckling under the weight of societal pressure to look a certain way. But I am tired of feeling like a loser and rejected.
I can be an exuberant person…full of life and happiness…and sometimes I meet somebody new with the biggest smile on my face and look at them (somewhat nervously…wondering if I’m going to be rejected) and they look confused.
Because of my appearance, my positive expressions are rarely reflected in the faces of others. In a way, it makes me hate all people. Over and over and over again, smiling, looking for a friendly face and it rarely shows up.
If I’m in a bad mood, I often scowl at people and “reject them BEFORE they reject me.”
I know this is graphic, but I would like to not pull any punches on my feelings…and I’m sure that others may have experienced something similar to me. I have to admit to having the desire now and then to want to tear one of my eyes out of its socket, then they’d have to do a surgery on me even though I don’t have any money or insurance.
I’m not a nutcase. It’s just an unbidden thought/vision that I have to deal with.
With the increasing confusion, coping with the depression and anxiety….not having a steady job or insurance….I’m not sure how I am going to be able to get surgery and look “normal.”
And even after I look “normal,” am I still going to resent the culture and the society? I mean…perhaps good friends and women will all come out of the woodwork when I look “normal.” And will they feel like “true friends,” who love me for me?
If I advance in a job will I be able to enjoy it? I will be the same person, but just a lot more attractive.
Who will love the boy and the man with the turned eye that I have to carry around inside of me? And by surgically altering my appearance will I actually be rejecting him?
It’s hard to figure, I don’t want to suffer like this any more.
Thanks and Best Wishes..
Anthony
Photo credit: Emre Danisman
9 Responses to “Who will love me with my turned eye?”
By Kevin on Sep 22, 2006 | Reply
Anthony,
Before you choose surgery make an appointment with a “Behavioral Optometrist”
Vision Therapy is a possible option that may prevent you from having the scars of surgery!!!!
It’s important. It is also very affordable if you explain your financial situation to the optometrist.
By Brendon on Feb 16, 2007 | Reply
Anthony,
Reading your story has reminded me that we share something in common. We both have eye issues. I am blind in my left eye. It’s caused by amblyopia or lazy eye. Im only 16yrs old but i have so many problems seeing. So one day i decided to go to see an eye specialist here in Albany New York. He told me that i was permanatly blind and there is nothing anyone can do about it. and now im scared because im supposed to be getting my permit next month and because of my amblyopia I really dont think i will be able to get it. Every teenagers dream is to get a permit and mine might be crushed. I have problems finding things that are right in front of my face, then someone goes in behind me and picks it right up. Well I hope that you understand where im coming from and hope to hear from you soon.
By Lois (admin) on Feb 17, 2007 | Reply
There’s some current (as of 2/17/07) discussion about driving with Strabismus in our Eyes Apart Strabismus Support Group. Click here for more info about that group, and how to join:
http://eyesapart.com/2006/10/25/strabismus-support-group/
By Jack on Mar 22, 2007 | Reply
Anthony,
I just read your post and I completely understand everything you wrote. I am in my early 30’s and have the same questions
and concerns. I feel the rejection and believe that my eyes hold me back from being highly attractive. However, my problem
is slightly worse than your’s. I have pseudostrabismus. My eyes are perfectly straight, but my eyes are asmmetrical. This
gives me the false appearance of exotropia. Since medically there is nothing wrong with my eyes, the doctors cannot
cosmetically correct my eyes because I will end up with double vision.
My advice to you is this. Get the surgery. Work a job that has insurance, even if its a minimum wage McJob. With
strabismus you don’t need vision insurance, you just need regular healthcare. Health insurance will cover the procedure.
If this is impossible, then I say pay for the surgery out of pocket. Apply for a credit card. Do whatever you need to do.
I assure you its worth it.
Finally, regarding feeling like a sell out. That argument is a loser. Would you look down on someone who has cancer signing
up for chemo. You have a disease. Cure it! We live in the golden age of optometry (sp?). If it isn’t curable today,
its on its way down the belt. That’s what keeps me from jabbing a pencil in my eye!
And regarding people treating you different. That’s just more reason to get the surgery. People may currently reject
you because they have problems looking into your eyes. This a reality. Get it fixed. If I had bad Body odor, deodorant
would solve the problem. I wouldn’t fault someone who was turned off by someone who smells bad.
In conclusion, I wish I strabismus, then I could get it fixed.
The Best,
Jack
By Caroline on Mar 23, 2007 | Reply
Hi Jack,
I enjoyed reading your story. I full agree with you. You examples are interesting and a good comparison. I just found out that I can voluntarily move one eye, then I can also voluntarily move the other eye. I can control this. I thought I has strong muscles in my eyes. I may be the cause why my two sons have strabismus, genetics. I saw my doctor and I am just waiting on a referral for the specialist.
By Cathy on Jun 10, 2007 | Reply
To: Anthony
I first read your blog, it stayed on my mind. I have a unseen disability. Relationships with any kind of disability is difficult in a world of perfect bodies.
But, I ask that you first love you, for if you cannot identify love of self then it will difficult to give love. I met someone by accident with this condition and it threw me off for a quick second but I still thought he was so absolutely show-stopping sexy. Please don’t hide from the world and one day some ladies will look at you and think you are show-stopping sexy. Love if true does not last due physical beauty but because of beauty and caliber of heart. I read your blog and I see your beauty, your courage, your passion and please do the surgery if you need to but, please don’t change who you are and be patient with the ignorance of others. It is not the wrapping of a present but the gift inside.
By trophy on Jun 29, 2007 | Reply
i am a person who lived with a crossed eye,everyone notice.but why is that without glasses there really crossed and with glasses there okay.
By Jamie on Aug 25, 2007 | Reply
Hi I’ve been searching the net for a while trying to find people like me. I came across your letter and bawled my eyes out. I can realte 100 percent. I have accommidative strabismus but I’m beyond insecure. I look in the mirror and don;t like what I see. No one understands except for the people who have strabismus. I’m so lonley cold and bitter I hate it. I truley believe my soul mate will have stabismus. Seeing as how I feel the only people who can relate are the people who have the condition.
My heart goes out to people with strabismus. I know some cope with it well while others like myself have difficulties.
By Jamie on Aug 25, 2007 | Reply
my email is terzanelle@aol.com if anyone would like to talk or share stories