Social confidence with lazy eyes
Written on October 20, 2007 – | by Lois (admin) |
The following item is edited from a letter posted by shayla last month in our Eyes Apart Strabismus Support group. It’s hard for some people to accept being referred to as having “lazy eyes.” We know that strabismus eyes work much harder than normal eyes. Shayla used this term about herself with confidence, and she offers the tips below to help us all be more confident with our drifting eyes:
I think you can be socially confident with lazy eyes. I know I am. It’s actually a joke in my family how quickly I can strike up a conversation. I had a great example in my Mom, who also had alternating exotropia for close to forty years before she had surgery.
The only place she wasn’t confident was sports and my dad made sure that I learned how to adjust instead of just avoiding sports. I did debate and theatre in high school and just finished a play’s run in community theatre this week. I just just tell people to look at my right eye if they keep looking over their shoulder! I knew my eyes were off but wasn’t really diagnosed until 17.
It’s funny because today I go in to have surgery. My husband was asking me did I think it would make me more outgoing? My sis was like “hello! girl already talks to complete strangers everywhere we go!
My advice:
- Preempt strangers who are looking at you. A quick explanation will stop the weird looks most of the time.
- Family/Friends: If their joking really bothers you, say something! They may have no idea you feel the way you do.
- Pictures: You have to ask the person taking the picture to help you out with this. You look away from the camera and then right before they snap the picture look back at the camera. Your eyes will appear straight in the picture (but it takes a couple of times to get the timing down so be patient). I’ve done this with lots of pictures and it seems to work. Or turn at an angle to the camera so you are not face forward to the camera. Models do it, so why can’t we?
All these things have one thing in common: You have to be pro-active and be ready and willing to talk about the condition and your feelings about it. If you aren’t comfortable with yourself, other people won’t be. I make a joke of it: “My name is shayla and pay no attention to that left eye wandering around the room!” Find out what your comfort level is and maybe try it out on friends and family first.
If you don’t know if it’s wandering, watch people for non verbal cues like for example: looking behind them like they think you are talking to someone else usually means eyes are wandering. My best friend will notice if I switch eyes before I realize it myself.
I hope these will work for you.They’ve worked for me for 29 years and counting..(only hours left though!)
–used by permission from shayla
[Lois' note: I realize many of you did not have parents or family who supported you as shayla's family did. Perhaps they even pulled you down. But rather than regret what we didn't have as we grew up, why not work on some of the recommendations shayla offers to make things better now?]
Photo credit: Mikas Vitkauskas
20 Responses to “Social confidence with lazy eyes”
By Karen on Oct 25, 2007 | Reply
I love your idea of my name is ……, and never mind that left eye wandering around the room, but I have two lazy eyes and never know which one is wandering around the room!
My family was mostly supportive, but I was never allowed to use my fingers to keep my place while reading.
Please come visit my page at myspace.
Karen
By steve on Oct 29, 2007 | Reply
Keep strong!!!!!
By Tabitha on Feb 6, 2008 | Reply
As young as 5 yeas old, I knew already that I had a very poor vision. My condition is a mixture of lazy eyes, near sighted, astigmatism and semi color blind.
People always stare at me or laugh or pity me when my face almost touches the computer screen. When I was in school, i always failed my subject coz I copied the wrong notes. Now I’m in my mid 30’s, its getting worst and it frustrates me when I try to find a cure and it seems that it doesn’t have any. I just always pray to God for miracle that one day I will be able to see clearly the beauty of His creation
By Julie on Feb 12, 2008 | Reply
I also suffer from lazy eye. I have had it since I was 3years old, I am now 31. I have good days and bad days. Some days I can hold my head up and talk to people but most days all I do is look down so that I don’t have to make eye conact. I hate being this way. It has stopped me from being who and what I want to be. I have never used it as a excuse for anything though. I am in college and I am not wanting to take Public Speaking because of my eyes. However, I have stood up and done a power point presentation. ( Very Hard) I just wished I could be normal and not a freak of nature!!
By Heather on Apr 25, 2008 | Reply
I’ve had strabismus my whole life and have had three eye surgeries at age 1,16,& 26. My eyes basically look normal until I read alot or look at a computer screen, then my right eye goes in, and my double vision gets worse. That’s when I wear my prisms. I feel like a prisoner to my eyes; like they control everything I do. It would be so great to freely see with no effort at all, but this is the way God made me ,so I guess I have to accept it. I’m 32, and happily married with two kids. I thank God they don’t have strabismus.
By lori on Sep 18, 2008 | Reply
I have two friends with Strabismus and we have actually never had a discussion about it. This may sound stupid, but when their eyes start wandering, I’m not sure where to look? I don’t know how they are literally seeing me, so I try to focus on the eye that is not moving, but then i feel that it’s rude or wrong…I just want to be sure to not make them uncomfortable. Sometimes, the moving of the eye seems to come out of nowhere, so it takes me a second to adjust. Any suggestions?
By Nat on Sep 25, 2008 | Reply
I’ve had a lazy eye all my life, when i was little i was bullied and i think this affected my confidence in my early teens [i'm 19 now]. Since turning sixteen, people grew up and just became used to it. I’m an outgoing person so it doesn’t particularly bother me, although i do have a fringe that covers an eye to make it less obvious.
Day to day living though, i think the only problems i really have is catching a ball. I. Just. Can’t.
I remember thinking when i was little that i’d never get a boyfriend because of it, oh naive me. The reality is, once you get to know a person you don’t even notice their faults. I’m actually having stalker problems at the moment.
Have faith people, it’s not all doom and gloom with a lazy eye, at least you have eyes!!!
By belinda on Oct 7, 2008 | Reply
have had stabbismus all my life had a few operations when under 5.but because there is no sight in it still turns into the left(right eye) i m 40 now and i would go for surgery without a doubt if anything could be done. i have seen a consultant but he didnt offer much hope as there is no sight in the eye.have a fringe over the eye and i wear tinted glasses and find it hard meeting neew people.i would love to be able to walk into a room head high with out having people stare or laugh at you.
By Heather M. on Oct 13, 2008 | Reply
Lori - re: your questions.
First - how brave and thoughtful of you to ask. It’s much easier to ‘cope’ with the difficulties of this disorder (I hesitate to call it a disease) when friends care.
If one of your friend’s eyes turns or wanders, you’re doing the right thing by giving your attention/focusing your gaze on the stable eye. If both ofyour friend’s eyes turn or wander, you could tactfully (not in the moment) ask if they have a dominant eye. That’s likelythe eye you should settle your own gaze on.
By ashley on Jan 21, 2009 | Reply
i’ve had a lazy eye since i was a baby. i got surgery when i was ten. im 14 now and it seems like the surgery didnt do to much. i know i have to get at least 2 more. some times i hate going to school because everydays different. some days i get laughed and stared at and other days i dont. i hate looking down and trying to hind my face. i wish i looked normal but i still love myself. it is also hard to have confidence
By Mike on Mar 1, 2009 | Reply
I am 46 yrs old and just found this site and the Yahoo group. I have had strabismus all my life. It is the first time I have ever “surfed the net” wondering if there is a support group for strabismus. It is funny, I found the site while searching to see if there are any golfers out there with my eye problem who play well (I’m just starting out in my advanced age and I don’t).
I think the original poster’s advice is great. I wish I could just go back throughout my life and just end the wierd looks and curiosity by telling people up front “Yes, I have a wandering eye, otherwise I am perfectly normal, any questions?” instead of not making eye contact and looking away.
This has been a very tough journey, it is comforting to hear from others going through it. Fortunately the digital age has allowed people with this eye disorder to communicate and learn from one another.
For the younger folks out there: If you have to carry this into adulthood I can tell you that the social aspect becomes become easier when you get older. The teenage years are tough but attitude is everything and don’t let this beat you down.
By Alex on Apr 22, 2009 | Reply
Hello all,
I am really happy that this site exists… So I can come closer to people with the same condition.
I am 30. I have had a Wet Macular Degeneration problem with my right eye and this led to almost blindness. On the other eye I have 16 of myopia… Very tough condition that may eventually lead to legal blindness…
I have lived with strabismus (due to the blind eye) for 15 years of my life.
I was always very sad and looked down. Then came depression out of this.
Now, I am on meds for depression and going well. But I am very sad, that this has caused me so much pain.
As for the women, they just don’t want to date someone like me (although I am not bad looking). When they see this problem, they prefer being friends. Maybe they are afraid of my genes! LOL Who knows…
This condition is very unattractive so I don’t blame women. I just ask “why me?”.
Be well…
By Katie on Jun 14, 2009 | Reply
Hi All,
Thanks so much for the site, and for everyone’s thoughts. It’s a bit of a revelation for me to read all your experiences, many of which resonate for me.
Alex, I’m really wishing all the best for you. Just remember we women become far less superficial as we grow up into our 30’s, so I’m hoping for you that you will start to meet lovely women who will love your eyes as much as you
I was bullied at school, and I became utterly terrified of other adolescents. But fortunately for me I didn’t realise why (had no idea what my wandering eyes lookded like!) It wasn’t til I was an adult that I finally realised what the nickname “Dead Eye” and “Dead Eye Socket” was all about.
As an adult, I’m mostly blissfully ignorant, but I get reminded a lot now that I’m getting older (38). I’m finding it’s virtually impossible to start a conversation with a stranger - they always appear very unsettled, and try to look away and ignore me. I’m thinking of getting a pretty eye patch, so that at least people don’t see the errant eye!
I was fascinated to read that people have grown fringes. I’ve always preferred a very long fringe dropping over my face, now I realise why! People close to me have always assumed I was hiding from the world
I have trouble conversing face to face with close friends and family, even my hubby. I prefer chatting in the dark, or over the phone. I find it gives me a headache to focus on *both* of a person’s eyes at once. I can generally only have a conversation with one of my eyes and one of their eyes! I know the other person can only engage with one of my eyes. But I’m puzzled why I find it so hard to look at both their eyes - they’re not cross-eyed afteral! Does anyone else have this problem?
Best wishes all!
By kyle on Jun 22, 2009 | Reply
Katie,
I do the same thing and usually can only concentrate on one eye. I think the issue is with only only “good” eye, I can only focus on one thing at a time. Focusing on two eyes with one eye is difficult!
To everyone: I am 23 years old and have exotropia in my right eye. I am close to blind in my weaker eye but have better vision in my left eye. Like many here I have felt depressed, rejected, and afraid of making eye contact, especially in group settings when I can see everyone else doing it.
However, there are some days where I don’t even think about it. There are some days where it doesn’t cross my mind, and I am absolutely no fear looking someone straight in the eye (to the best of my ability). Sometimes people look away, or look confused, or, yes, look over their shoulder, but I have gotten used to it. Anyway, like I was saying, the days where I don’t think about my strabimus are a thousand times better than the days where I think about it and become depressed.
So maybe the best way to deal with this is to not think about it, to forget that you have it as much as you can, and to go about your life. Works for to the me anyway, until I remember it.
Thanks for everyone’s thoughts.
By noora on Oct 13, 2009 | Reply
i just want to know how to rid off this low self confident and start loving my self and accepting who i am and believe in my self, at least im improving i am in university now and trying to be more social but when i walk on streets people keep stare at me so i just put my head down.
some times i don’t even think about it and make eye contact with no fear but some times i just feel down.
when i feel down i see the sequent is growing.
advice: if u feel good about your self you will look good.
when im feeling good i don’t even notice the sequent even if it is there.even sometimes i forget that i have it but when people keep staring at me i just feel that i wanna to disappear and sometimes i hear them talking about my eye
this is my first time that i share my feelings
thank you
By Anonymiss on Oct 26, 2009 | Reply
Ya know what… I have spent 28 years getting more and more fed up with having to explain it to people and going ‘why me?’… I’m tired of that.
It’s something I will have to do for the rest of my life so I might as well get used to it and make it fun instead of depressing and a chore.
By L. on Nov 12, 2009 | Reply
This is the first time I have looked up a support group for this condition. I have had it for all of my 23 years and have avoided talking about it with people at all costs. Actually I have butterflies in my stomach just from writing this. Living with strabismus has been extremely difficult. My left eye turns out and although I seem to have good days and bad days, it is constantly on my mind whenever I have a social encounter. I think about it many times throughout the day and have wished a million times that I was never born with it. If only I could have had the straight eyes that sooooo many people have and unknowingly take for granted. I am a nursing student and I have faced new challenges with my strabismus as I have begun to enter into relationships with my patients. It is pretty hard to be supportive, caring, and empathetic if you can’t look at someone. Sometimes though, I will focus so hard on looking at someone and making a conscious effort to do so that I will realize that I haven’t even been listening to what they have been saying. I am interested in surgery but I don’t think the cost will be covered because it is generally thought to be a cosmetic surgery. It is not cosmetic! The psychological torment of strabismus affects people on all levels of the determinants of health. It is not just about wanting to look good, its about wanting that bit of normalcy that most people have. Thank you all for listening, this has been amazing to finally ‘talk’ about my experience.
By Dave on Feb 8, 2010 | Reply
I’, a sufferer of double vision due to a “muscle surgery”( on right eye ), which happened on May 26,2006. I’m a 42 year young guy, since the surgery I see constant double vision, I resorted to pirate patching, but those patches are to hot, irritating, and uncomfortable….. I’ve been applying black tape on right lens and omitting left lens all together, when I go out people do a triple take, they have no clue as to why I’d wear such a strange configuration, sadly both of my eyes are 20-20 which means w/o this configuration double vision ( confusing ) will be prominent. Some people ask and I try to explain it, for the most part I don’t let it bother me, I live my life to the best of my ability……..
By Gee on Feb 11, 2010 | Reply
I am late 20’s with a lazy eye and i am finally looking up surgery to combat my condition. I tried being strong by trying to ignore it but that only works until you enter into a social situation. I went handing out resumes last week and I could tell by their body language they weren’t to comfortable dealing with me and on my way out i heard the receptionist whisper to another employee, “did you see his eyes?, what the heck was that” ..my confidence fell right through the floor upon hearing their ignorant remarks..all i know is i can kiss my resume reaching HR goodbye..I can’t even get a job because of this damn burden seriously FML…
By Strang.Girl on Feb 11, 2010 | Reply
Hi everyone..
Wow reading all these stories.. I know now that I’m not the only one. I’ve never meet someone with Exotropia before! I’m the only one in my family, back in school and now in university too!!!
I feel like the best yrs of my life had been wasted due to my condition..
I remember my childhood consisted of going from one optometrist to another.. many suggested to my parents that I have an operation at a young age which would make it much more of a success than having it at an older age.. but for some reason my parents never really agreed on it.. It’s a question I wonder everyday of my life, what if i did have an operation at a young age? will my eye be normal now? I’d hate to blame my parents for my horrible life and low self esteem now, but I cant help but think what if….
anyhow I did have an operation at the age 17. It didnt look very successful at first, since my eye was still wandering around.. but after around 6 months my eye became more straight and when am actually looking in the mirror or in pictures.. my eyes look normal.. However this is staring to change now.. 2 years after the operation and the eye is getting lazy again and just doesnt wana LOOK STRAIGHT! its very frustrating.. the double image is horrible.. In lecture i have to put my head down because when i look into far away distances the double image is much stronger.. and when i get this double vision i know that my eye is way out of where it should be..
This is the first time in the 19 years of MY LIFE that I’ve ever opened up on this. even with my parents. I try avoiding talking to my best friends about it.. all though i got PLENTY of comments when i was a child.. and during most of my teenage years.. and honesty I remember every single comment I got..
ex: “hey can u please look the other way cuz u’re talking to her and it looks like your talking to me”
“you have crazy eyes”
“is there something wrong with ur eyes”
“cross eyes”
etc….
I really want to get another surgery as soon as possible.. even if it takes having a surgery every two years, because i really cant take it..
I’m already a very self conscious and sensitive person. in addition to my exotropia things are much worse for me .. i feel like i’ll never find true love.. or get married or have kids because of this……
cheers guys.. i feel much better talking about this to people who actually understand me..