The following item is edited from a letter posted by shayla last month in our Eyes Apart Strabismus Support group. It’s hard for some people to accept being referred to as having “lazy eyes.” We know that strabismus eyes work much harder than normal eyes. Shayla used this term about herself with confidence, and she offers the tips below to help us all be more confident with our drifting eyes:
I think you can be socially confident with lazy eyes. I know I am. It’s actually a joke in my family how quickly I can strike up a conversation. I had a great example in my Mom, who also had alternating exotropia for close to forty years before she had surgery.
The only place she wasn’t confident was sports and my dad made sure that I learned how to adjust instead of just avoiding sports. I did debate and theatre in high school and just finished a play’s run in community theatre this week. I just just tell people to look at my right eye if they keep looking over their shoulder! I knew my eyes were off but wasn’t really diagnosed until 17.
It’s funny because today I go in to have surgery. My husband was asking me did I think it would make me more outgoing? My sis was like “hello! girl already talks to complete strangers everywhere we go!
My advice:
- Preempt strangers who are looking at you. A quick explanation will stop the weird looks most of the time.
- Family/Friends: If their joking really bothers you, say something! They may have no idea you feel the way you do.
- Pictures: You have to ask the person taking the picture to help you out with this. You look away from the camera and then right before they snap the picture look back at the camera. Your eyes will appear straight in the picture (but it takes a couple of times to get the timing down so be patient). I’ve done this with lots of pictures and it seems to work. Or turn at an angle to the camera so you are not face forward to the camera. Models do it, so why can’t we?
All these things have one thing in common: You have to be pro-active and be ready and willing to talk about the condition and your feelings about it. If you aren’t comfortable with yourself, other people won’t be. I make a joke of it: “My name is shayla and pay no attention to that left eye wandering around the room!” Find out what your comfort level is and maybe try it out on friends and family first.
If you don’t know if it’s wandering, watch people for non verbal cues like for example: looking behind them like they think you are talking to someone else usually means eyes are wandering. My best friend will notice if I switch eyes before I realize it myself.
I hope these will work for you.They’ve worked for me for 29 years and counting..(only hours left though!)
–used by permission from shayla
[Lois' note: I realize many of you did not have parents or family who supported you as shayla's family did. Perhaps they even pulled you down. But rather than regret what we didn't have as we grew up, why not work on some of the recommendations shayla offers to make things better now?]
Photo credit: Mikas Vitkauskas
Kate, do u have an email address you can be reached at? I would really like to know how your surgery turns out
I am 20 years old and i have lazy sometimes crossed eyes and it has brought down my confidence majorly. The time it really got to me when i was about 14 i dated this guy and he broke up with me because i had “googly eyes”. Another time this girl didn’t like me and she said “i will punch your eyes straight” and since then its hard for me to forget and when somone talks to me then i just look down. I cant take pictures i always have to turn to the side just so my eyes look the same, i hate the weird looks and my family just tells me to get over it or they make fun of me. Its not somthing i want to talk about with friends but yet it hurts that they know. Treatment hasnt been successful and i know if they were fixed i know i would get my confidence back. I hate seeing the eye doctors too cuz yet i feel like they judge why is this such a cruel world. well thankyou everyone for your stories it helped finding people that went and are going through the same thing like me:)
stephm_18@yahoo.com feel free to email me
I feel for everyone who suffers from eyes that aren’t straight. I am in the same boat and it has led to me having no confidence, avoiding social interaction and as for dating you can forget about it. The worst part of it is people tell me they don’t notice and then won’t look me in the eye. I have tried laser eye surgery and strabismus surgery but still no joy. I now have 20/20 vision in both eyes but still no co-ordination. I think about it every day and probably will for the rest of my life unless by some miracle i can fix it.
I usually look straight into the eyes, when I talk to people. How should I look; indeed, I can notice your strabismus! Please, help me, I don’t want to make you feel bad. Please, tell me what would make you feel better! I cry, because the man I love has that problem and I can see, that he is very shy about that, and we are not close enough yet, so I could talk about that. And I would like to tell him, that it’s ok. What should I do? I don’t want to keep thinking about that, when I see him and have a wonderful conversations. It makes me feel uncomfortable too, as I know, how he feels about that. I feel weird myself and as if I was heartless. And that’s not true. I cry as I write this because I’m afraid, I might lose him for such a “small” reason. I’ve been reading about strabismus and people say about what they’ve been through in school, while teenagers, how many times they’ve been bullied. He is smart, he is wise, he is beautiful and I love him. And I want him to know that. We are just not close enough, and I just can’t tell him, that I love him. It’s too early. I’m afraid, he will think that I’m just messing with his head. And that’s not true, I’m ready for sharing everything with him. I don’t know, if I’m making a sense tonight, I’m overwhelmed again. Please, please, help me.
I feel so bad for all of us that we should feel so ashamed and so inadequate because of our eyes not lining up right. I too have good days and bad days. This week, for me, has been exceptionally very bad for some reason. Feeling very insecure and really feeling the stares of those who do not understand. What seems to make it worse for me is the fact that I have an 8 yr old child that I am trying to raise. He too, lacks self-confidence because I don’t have any. I don’t want to go out, I have few friends and have no social skills whatsoever because of my eyes. It seems this has gotten worse in the past 10 yrs or so. My eyesight in each eye has gotten worse too. Back in my 20′s and 30′s I was wayyyy more outgoing and had fun!!! My eyes were not so obvious then. So my 40′s are turning out to be unbearable and I am losing confidence more and more every day. I feel so bad for my son…I do not want to be an embarrassment to him. He does not participate in sports or school activities…partly because I don’t want to be out in publi unless I can wear sunglasses to try to hide this. I wonder sometimes if he would be better off with someone else. It is a very depressing thought. And I love him with all my heart. But can I really give him what he needs? I am becoming more and more depressed. This has just been a very trying week and I am desperately trying to find ways to overcome this and boost my confidence. And I want to feel good about myself. I too, look forward to going to heaven. There it will not matter and maybe then I will finally have peace!
My story quickly, I had an operation when I was 2 to correct an in turning left eye. I was then forced to wear a patch which I refused and glasses which I also refused (looking back I must have been either spoilt or headstrong). My turn couldn’t have been bad as a child as I can’t remember anyone noticing. I went to Uni becomes a teacher got a job. The only time I’d notice that something was wrong was after alcohol. At 26 I started in a new all boys school and in this harsh environment this when I started to notice I had an outward turning eye. New pupils would be a problem as I’d give one a lecture and four others would ask who I was telling, the point of the lecture often being lost. Point is, you do a lot of controlling with the eyes. Anyway thanks to a friend pointing out that surgery was possible, I met my gp and we started the process.
On Thursday I went in and had an operation on my left eye. Within 20 min of me comming round the surgeon visited to say it wasn’t a success. I just didn’t want to believe her. They’ve moved the eye in but not by much.
I’m home now and my vision and self confidence is a bit confused. I’ve realised that even though my left wasn’t looking it was picking up signals, these signals are now confused. I’m starting to wonder if having an out turned eye isn’t that bad from a visual perpective. To counter this there’s the cosmetic side of things to consider. So I’m left confused, when I see a doc next, do I push for more surgery this time more risky on the good eye or do I take positives of what I’ve
got. I’ve lived with this way of seeing the world for 40 years, is it worth changing it.
Tamia, I wanted to post my story first before offering you some ‘advice’ whatever you have, your child will never be able to replace you as his mother, YOU are the best mother to that boy, no one can replace you.
If you feel do bad about things then go and visit an optometrist or your gp and see what can be done.
Hey Im 18 i Have A Lazy Eye In My Left Eye…I Really Hate It So Much…i Haven’t Had Surgery..But Im Thinking About It…Can AnyOne Of You Living With This Condition Make Your Eyes Straight??? i Can But When I Make My Eyes Straight My Vision Drops Dramatically. I Can Still See But When I Do This I Cannot Read Anything From 5 Feet Away….I Really Hate This But It’s How God Made Me.